Korinna McRobert

I got out

I haven’t looked in a while

I have not wanted images of my past life

I have cut out and censored

I have protected myself

Sometimes it even feels like it is gone

But all I did was leave

The hell I left

still goes on

Everyone is still there

intact

free

existing

in their familiar and loved stagnation

their misery was always there

I was able to hurt noone

Why could they hurt me?

I considered them significant

I saw them as humans

I was reenacting something familiar

I was trapped in a vortex of

familial patterns

societal patterns

expected behaviours

I got away

I locked them up in myself

For some crimes

there is no public justice

The road to resolution is

never direct

The witness can sometimes

only be me

Anxiety

There are so many more words

for this state

It is more than a feeling

It is an all-consuming condition

I felt fine

until an apparent trigger

that sent me off my orbit

into a dark space

where I made all the wrong decisions

and my life will amount to nothing

I want to live in a world where

not knowing what the future holds

is a comfortable feeling

I want to accept that

everything will not be alright

but some things will

I want to remember what I have

before I spiral

And I want to feel worthy

Yes

I want to finally feel my value

Just knowing and thinking is not enough

My long-term thinking failed me yesterday

I was assessing from the present moment

Nothing from before

Nothing in the future

Just now

This is not a spiritual state

It is destructive

Being in the now

is not always where to be

Coming up

Coming up for air

Coming out for light

Transcending

Checking out

Opening up

My perception has shifted

I have new thoughts

I have forgotten what my comfort zone was

Things are both less and more important

Connection is so different I cannot explain it in terms of its origins

Tragedy has another definition

Pain is not so frightening

Loss is not unilateral

Possibilities become endless

Patterns become less obvious

Randomness makes more sense

Responsibility and credit seem superfluous

The lack of control becomes the penalty and the gift

Entitlement has to be forgotten

Faith needs to replace it

Appreciation of what was

for what it was and what it could never be

Not comparing

Feeling secure in the emotion, the connection, the bond and the experience

That whatever happens to other people

does not affect

my sense of self-worth

 Everything is unfair

The determined advantage

The pre-determined disadvantage

My legs when others have none

My food when children are hungry

My home when people are fleeing

Nobody deserves it

It

being everything

We can do so much about so much

But letting go by doing nothing

seems to go against my nature

But I have to leave this space now

There is nothing more to be done now

It is finally over now