Korinna McRobert

Detouring

I’ve been on a long journey

away from myself

to find more of myself

to grow my new life

after culling the last one

In these four years which feel like ten

I have become part of a new world

learnt new language

experienced new worlds

explored new subcultures

made new people

lost life

went back to round zero again

to try to build something new on my ever-changing storm-swept plot

At the beginning again

always forgetting the time before

thinking that I have nothing to build on

despite having so much

Isolating myself when the world is just outside my window

Being petrified that I made the wrong choices

but accepting that I did what I thought was best at the time

Maybe I am not where I thought I would be

but I am somewhere all the same

and as places go it’s a good one

This long drive has taken me to many destinations

and however much I liked them I knew I could not stay forever

They would start evaporating and disappearing before my eyes

My transient feelings getting me up and out again

Moving forward and maybe backward

So far from where I started

It is impossible to go back

Just how it should be

 

Hello

Hello old me

Hello old you

I don’t know what to say anymore

Or rather I do

But I just don’t want to tell you

I don’t want to tell anyone

I want to keep it to myself

This time

Finally

It will remain

Undisclosed

Unshared

Private

 

 

 

That voice

That voice

that is

always there and so is first to be ignored

The doubt

The evil in my person

The one I thought was part of me

just because it had been there all my life

I never looked back to see who it was

Until I did

And I saw you

Malevolent root of all my inability and failure

I saw you Mother

You trapped me in your hatred

You framed me in your unhappiness

You told me I was not capable of fulfilling my basic human needs

But maybe you weren’t seeing me at all

Maybe I was seeing you not seeing me making up who suited you

I have believed you for so long

My faith is breaking down

I don’t think you are right

I don’t think you were right

We don’t live on the same ground now

You still invade my private psychic space

But you won’t

May this be my manifesto

I will get you out!

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