always there and so is first to be ignored
The evil in my person
The one I thought was part of me
just because it had been there all my life
I never looked back to see who it was
Until I did
And I saw you
Malevolent root of all my inability and failure
I saw you Mother
You trapped me in your hatred
You framed me in your unhappiness
You told me I was not capable of fulfilling my basic human needs
But maybe you weren’t seeing me at all
Maybe I was seeing you not seeing me making up who suited you
I have believed you for so long
My faith is breaking down
I don’t think you are right
I don’t think you were right
We don’t live on the same ground now
You still invade my private psychic space
But you won’t
May this be my manifesto
I will get you out!
As I scroll through Facebook
I am always stunned at how much is out there
how much I have access to seeing
I can see where people have been recently
I can get links to the latest news, current affairs, cultural events
All without looking for it
I wonder whether I would feel less informed without this service
I wonder whether this access to information
is only making me passive
As if the world needs more writing
Posted and pasted
for all to see
and no-one to read
I have embarked on a quiet, creative but so far private project. Since September last year I have been taking singing lessons. As a youth I took classical singing lessons and always struggled to control and be in touch with my voice. I still managed to pass my exams but I really could not tell you how. I always felt dissociated from my voice box. I was unable to make my sound. Unlike a bad dream where no sound would come out, when awake I would open my mouth and hope for the best. It was like there was a parallel road going on beside me with a vehicle driving out of control. I knew the two roads needed to be in the same dimension but I somehow could not merge these two strands of reality.
Over this almost nine months of lessons, a full human gestational period, I have managed to grab onto that parallel street and even find myself in the seemingly wild car. Not always. Not every time. But mostly. I approached these lessons, as did my teacher, as a form of therapy. We were both sensitive to what I was feeling, what I was thinking when I said certain words, which would cause me to lose my pitch. Was I thinking too much? Why could I not just be in my body?
I knew this block with my voice was a mental, emotional block caused by years of sexual and emotional abuse, causing me to practice dissociation in order to not listen to the horror story going on inside me. Denying it all just to get through my childhood before finally fleeing. The shame and the fear of telling. It has left me silenced. It has left me split. Now that the war is over I want to feel everything again. I want to trust my body again. I want to get to know it, for what it is, which is a lot more than someone who was once hurt. I need to look at my many dimensions. My faith in mankind (which I still can’t fully justify but I feel very strongly). My playfulness (which is something I remember in small spurts from my childhood but is a lot acuter now). My humour (which I really never knew I had until recently). All of the aspects that were just not developed, because I suppose they had no space or need to.
Maybe describing the visceral feeling is important: I would try to hit a note and just not find it. I could not really hear it properly. I did not know how to connect the dots. My end was not switched on. A knot in the wire. Deciding to go further meant walking through a very dark room, switching on the light with pure faith. First it was my ears. They started to work. The voice followed. It became able to mimic and broaden. It had new depths each time we worked on a song. Last time we started learning Hallelujah and my classical training, in conjunction with my new ears worked together to produce a sound that I could not believe was coming out of me, so clearly. We record and playback. It still feels like another person. It is still new. It is really exciting. It is such a relief. I feel like I can take the corset-like bind off my throat. I feel like I am allowed. Just. It’s safe. The world has not fallen apart since I told my story. My world has not fallen apart since I got in touch with the mum child inside of me. She is saying a few words now. She is less scared now. We can finally go out now.