I feel more lucid than panicked
I feel sad and clear
I don’t know how to love
Cleanly
The people I loved the most
Or was attached to the most
Was dependent on the most
Betrayed me
Humiliated me
Abused me
This isn’t a sob story
It’s an explanation
An endless analysis
that my neurotic brain
thinks will save my life
I spend hours
questioning
my decisions
Trying to make sure
I am sane
Trying to make sure
it is as right as it can be
for everyone involved
Sometimes
it is a compromise
The hated word
Nobody is happy
I’m crying in bed
and there is nothing wrong
There hasn’t been
anything wrong
for so long
I am sort of relieved
I am sort of confused
I am sort of safe and trapped
I have gone back to go forward
I am trying to undo everything
they did
All the negative associations they gave me
Family dinners
Christmas
New Year’s eve
Going to bed
Having people close
I am so uncomfortable sometimes
I want to throw in the towel
But where would that leave me?
What can I get that is better than this?
How flawless can one human being get?
I am afraid of flaws
Flaws
or at least what I called flaws
were why you abused me
or at least that’s what Mummy said
You were limited
You couldn’t understand
I had to
for you
Why can’t I be angry with you
instead of the people who are kind to me?
Always looking for
the lie
When the only people who
lied
betrayed
backstabbed
me
were you