Love – Tonight’s Viewpoint

I feel more lucid than panicked

I feel sad and clear

I don’t know how to love


The people I loved the most

Or was attached to the most

Was dependent on the most

Betrayed me

Humiliated me

Abused me

This isn’t a sob story

It’s an explanation

An endless analysis

that my neurotic brain

thinks will save my life

I spend hours


my decisions

Trying to make sure

I am sane

Trying to make sure

it is as right as it can be

for everyone involved


it is a compromise

The hated word

Nobody is happy

I’m crying in bed

and there is nothing wrong

There hasn’t been

anything wrong

for so long

I am sort of relieved

I am sort of confused

I am sort of safe and trapped

I have gone back to go forward

I am trying to undo everything

they  did

All the negative associations they gave me

Family dinners


New Year’s eve

Going to bed

Having people close

I am so uncomfortable sometimes

I want to throw in the towel

But where would that leave me?

What can I get that is better than this?

How flawless can one human being get?

I am afraid of flaws


or at least what I called flaws

were why you abused me

or at least that’s what Mummy said

You were limited

You couldn’t understand

I had to

for you

Why can’t I be angry with you

instead of the people who are kind to me?

Always looking for

the lie

When the only people who





were you