Positive Post

I feel that I am giving an unrepresentative picture of my life and myself. I have come to the realisation that I am highly nervous, despite a cool exterior a lot of the time. It tends to then implode before a private explosion if prodded by a loved one. After a lot of talking about it with that same loved one I have decided that I catastrophize the present because of the past. In fact the present is so much better than I could have imagined, even on a good day.

My PTSD creates emotions and paranoia brought on by the intense fear of the memories or flashbacks. When it is happening it all feels very real. It is so hard to get out of it because it involves not trusting those feelings. I have to learn to trust and not trust, not engage, not believe, stay in the present. I have made the right decision. I just need to embody that belief. Doubt is unfounded and hurting me.

So, I want to say how grateful I am for my tranquil present, my opportunities to grow and my relationships. I appreciate that I live in a country that is not at war, has a stable economy, is very tolerant and has a very high standard of living. I realise I have a lot. I realise that I have lost a lot and that needs to be addressed and learned from. Talking and writing about it is for educational and healing purposes, not for martyrdom. I am too happy to be a martyr.