Is it my heart?
Is it my ego?
Is it my trauma?
Is it my humanness?
Is it a habit?
Does it help to give the feeling meaning?
Or does it corrupt what it is
All it is
A feeling
I was comfortable with just that
I think I was more consistently happy about the present
when I didn’t engage too much with it
The past would pull me down
The present would pull me up
Now it is all mixed up
I am confused
When I feel close to him
I get petrified
It’s coming
The violation
What I don’t want
The rejection
familiar familiar familiar
Based on the past
Lure me into your arms Daddy
just so that you can get what you need
what I need or want has no validity
how dare I assume it is as important as yours
your sick fantasy is of utmost importance
your warped sense of self and image is so
valid it sells books and techniques
keeps people in subservience and awe
crafty bully
evil fuck
manipulative thief
entitled bastard
You even made me hate her more than you
Your sick genius is impressive
If only you used your intelligence for good
Not to overpower the weak
Not to oppress intelligent women
Not to diminish the self-esteem of your readers
Not to lie to everyone about everything
Not to ruin a family
I hate you so much I can’t even feel it
It comes up everywhere
My mistrust of everyone
My mistrust of intimacy
My tail comes out from behind me
to sting you
but I only sting myself
There is always collateral damage
People who have no understanding of the situation
People without responsibility towards me
trying to tidy up the pieces
of your disgusting mess
You used to make me feel safe
just before
I suppose I also felt relief
just after
I repeat this pattern
I wait for it
It doesn’t come
I feel confused
I feel wrong
I don’t feel relief
because surely it’s coming
I can’t let my guard down
The guard is so heavy and so aggressive
It lashes out
I have more pieces to pick up and organise now
You made your issue my issue
I don’t want a cross
I don’t want to be a saint
I don’t want to deal with you
Nor anger
Nor love
Have
I just want me
GIVE ME BACK
I want ME back
Give me back ME
just like I was
before you broke her
I need to see my twin
I can hear her crying
All alone somewhere
I can’t see