Is it my heart?

Is it my ego?

Is it my trauma?

Is it my humanness?

Is it a habit?

Does it help to give the feeling meaning?

Or does it corrupt what it is

All it is

A feeling

I was comfortable with just that

I think I was more consistently happy about the present

when I didn’t engage too much with it

The past would pull me down

The present would pull me up

Now it is all mixed up

I am confused

When I feel close to him

I get petrified

It’s coming

The violation

What I don’t want

The rejection

familiar familiar familiar

Based on the past

Lure me into your arms Daddy

just so that you can get what you need

what I need or want has no validity

how dare I assume it is as important as yours

your sick fantasy is of utmost importance

your warped sense of self and image is so

valid it sells books and techniques

keeps people in subservience and awe

crafty bully

evil fuck

manipulative thief

entitled bastard

You even made me hate her more than you

Your sick genius is impressive

If only you used your intelligence for good

Not to overpower the weak

Not to oppress intelligent women

Not to diminish the self-esteem of your readers

Not to lie to everyone about everything

Not to ruin a family

I hate you so much I can’t even feel it

It comes up everywhere

My mistrust of everyone

My mistrust of intimacy

My tail comes out from behind me

to sting you

but I only sting myself

There is always collateral damage

People who have no understanding of the situation

People without responsibility towards me

trying to tidy up the pieces

of your disgusting mess

You used to make me feel safe

just before

I suppose I also felt relief

just after

I repeat this pattern

I wait for it

It doesn’t come

I feel confused

I feel wrong

I don’t feel relief

because surely it’s coming

I can’t let my guard down

The guard is so heavy and so aggressive

It lashes out

I have more pieces to pick up and organise now

You made your issue my issue

I don’t want a cross

I don’t want to be a saint

I don’t want to deal with you

Nor anger

Nor love


I just want me


I want ME back

Give me back ME

just like I was

before you broke her

I need to see my twin

I can hear her crying

All alone somewhere

I can’t see