Author: KMR

Today I went to a baby’s first birthday party. On our way to the party me and my boyfriend bickered. I feel I am making him miserable. He says I am very important to him. I need to get my head round the fact that even a life without trauma and hardship can be frustrating… Continue reading Anxious Apathy

Sitting at a desk made of a door with some red wine with very mild anxiety and slight neck strain Mostly excited and happy Not believing how I could be unhappy Remembering how when I am unhappy I cannot believe I can ever be happy Or that life is worth living Life’s worth cannot be… Continue reading Today

Yesterday I went to visit a friend who recently had a baby. For reasons somewhat unknown to me I was traumatised. My friend, her husband and the peaceful baby were all perfectly happy. I wanted to die. Today I wanted to hurt myself. I tried everything in my power to get my frustration out without… Continue reading Baby trigger

A kind of heaviness in my chest intercepted with pain almost physical I rub it sometimes Changing breathing helps but is very hard to sustain alone I feel lonely but can’t ask for a hug I feel jealous but I can’t say I know why People seem to have more than me because I don’t… Continue reading Unravelling

I have just moved my stuff, as in most of it, pretty much all of it, into one place. I had a welcome party yesterday. It is raining today. Things have come to a head. I am struggling for no apparent reason. Again. There is a dialogue between the child and adult Korinnas. More like… Continue reading The two of me

It took a while to get angry It took years to realise why It still takes skill to direct it towards the source It takes a conscious effort not to be destructive I need to think of others before I decide Not to hurt myself I don’t see a purpose in me being alive Other… Continue reading Angry

  According to some psychologists writing with your non-writing hand can trigger early memories, or at least make you feel like a child again. In a state of frustration a few weeks ago I tried to initiate some childhood recall. It did not work out as I had thought but it did take me back… Continue reading The inner child

I had two personal blogs It messed me up I linked one to the other This is the one I am depressed I am happier than I have ever been I have an awake body My brain is opening up Exposing ugliness as well as beauty I am making the links and connections At first… Continue reading Inbetween

Safe There is a safe with lots of draws with codes only I know in a desert far away where I can teleport myself but where my memories are exiled to The intrusive ones The ugly ones The ones of my father sleeping with me touching me The ones of my mother telling me what… Continue reading Safe in the desert

I haven’t spoken to my mother in about two years. I haven’t spoken to my father in over a year. My father has harassed me and my therapist via emails. I have enforced a filter to put his emails somewhere I can access if I want to. They do not catch me unawares. His random… Continue reading Feeling surveyed