Inbetween

I had two personal blogs

It messed me up

I linked one to the other

This is the one

I am depressed

I am happier than I have ever been

I have an awake body

My brain is opening up

Exposing ugliness as well as beauty

I am making the links and connections

At first through intrusion

Now within my control

There is so much to look at

There is too much to look at

Without losing myself

I wouldn’t say my mind

I would say everything

Working

Creating

Making

For now

Is overwhelming

My chest hurts

I feel winded

I feel comfortable in this sadness

This wound just needs time

But it’s there

Whether I was in London or Berlin or Cape Town

I would still need to deal with myself

I am grateful that Berlin is my sanctuary

For now

Hopefully it can be more

In time

I am struggling

Fully

I used to struggle

Partly

I used to

Avoid-Escape-Transfer

Now I am trying to continue

Expressing

without killing myself

Focusing on stability and sanity

It may seem that things are taking longer

But in fact I have finally picked the phone up

After it was on hold for 20 years

I finally have a voice and a safe space to let it out

It’s surreal

It’s just a different reality

A feeling of safety is part of it

The need to trust and be helped

Maybe I have experienced it before

In utero