Yesterday I went to visit a friend who recently had a baby. For reasons somewhat unknown to me I was traumatised. My friend, her husband and the peaceful baby were all perfectly happy. I wanted to die. Today I wanted to hurt myself. I tried everything in my power to get my frustration out without breaking any objects or my own skin. I applied pressure to my arm instead of cutting it. I really wished I did not exist.
I got hurt by a comment my boyfriend made and even after he apologised I walked away when he wasn’t looking. This is something I apparently did as a little child. I still dissociate. I feel numb in some places and overstimulated in others. I don’t feel like I exist and yet am aware I don’t want to exist. I don’t feel I have a root or a hold on something real.
I suppose seeing someone start to build a family, even in the early stages where the baby is literally a breast-feeding lump, it was more than I had or could imagine having. I feel like my terror over not handling a baby properly, my fear of changing a nappy without having an awful memory or just dissociating means that I am not entitled or deserving of being a mother. I had a terrible example, how would I know what to do? So my fear got the better of me. Which is I suppose the root of all dysfunction.
I am still a bit rattled and upset… I also want to remind myself that I have recently moved countries. I have already got some employment, assisting a successful artist. I have an interview for a stable part-time job with another company already planned. I have a course of German language lessons coming up. I am planning my next solo art project. I am enjoying living with a lovely person. I am enjoying making new friends. I am enjoying the sun. I am feeling it all. All at once.
I am sorting it out. Sometimes I need a time-out. Sometimes I disconnect. It doesn’t mean I won’t come back though. I just need to ride the wave.