The two of me

I have just moved my stuff, as in most of it, pretty much all of it, into one place. I had a welcome party yesterday. It is raining today. Things have come to a head. I am struggling for no apparent reason. Again. There is a dialogue between the child and adult Korinnas. More like a screaming crying fest.

Child: This isn’t my life. This is someone else’s flat, friends, country and culture. I want to go home.

Adult: There is no home. The only choice we have is to start afresh somewhere. I had to speak the truth and move on. This is the action part of it. You will get used to it.

Child: I want someone to take care of me. I don’t want to do anything.

Adult: I am afraid you will have to settle with me. It will get easier I promise. You will get used to it. It will grow in time.

Child: Why can’t I do what I want? Why can’t my needs be met? Why are everyone else’s wants and needs more important than mine?

Adult: Right now we are starting small. We are living with a good person. Finally. Nobody is hurting us. Yes some people are rude and hurtful, but mostly it is best that we are polite and compassionate for everyone’s sakes. I realise it is exhausting. I am sorry. We are doing well. We have done well to come this far.

Child: I want someone to hold me. I want people to answer my cries. Why won’t anyone answer the phone? Why are people I love in other countries?

Adult: People you love are here too. People were left behind because we all move at different speeds in different directions and need different things. They might catch up with you later. Some will eventually pick up the phone. In the meantime I will hold you and we can build this new home together.

I want to stop revisiting this pit of despair I am so attached to. I want to kick my habits. I am going cold turkey. I am suffering withdrawal symptoms. I am sad and relieved and happy and apathetic all at the same time.