Anxious Apathy

Today I went to a baby’s first birthday party. On our way to the party me and my boyfriend bickered. I feel I am making him miserable. He says I am very important to him. I need to get my head round the fact that even a life without trauma and hardship can be frustrating and confusing. One cannot be happy all the time. Once we got inside there were toddlers and babies everywhere. They were so sweet. They relaxed us. We were fine again.

On our walk home we came upon an open air free concert. We had a sausage with funky salad. We came home and had a nap before we planned to head out to see a friend play a small free concert in a local art space. I woke up a couple of times in that time and just checked the time, as we had not set an alarm. I woke up at the right time and got up immediately. My stomach was in so much pain. Something between acid/tensing/feeling winded. I had to crouch. I still made it to the space but could not stand up for too long. I was getting really hot too. I went home by myself. I had some fizzy water and my Crohn’s disease medication when I got home. Within half an hour the pain was gone but I felt exhausted. In sick mode. Strange how that happens. I got a call from him to see if I needed anything. I didn’t.

He is not back yet. It’s been three hours. Is it normal to wonder where he is and if he is alright? Maybe. Is it too much? It feels like it. Should I not wonder where he is? Should I not call him? Who cares. Who fucking cares anymore. I don’t get that impulse I used to to call people: my therapist, my friends, my muse, my lover. They are generally busy. It is generally a bad time for everyone. I have no interest in talking to people about my feelings. I am not response dependant, which I thought would be a good thing to achieve, only it is making me a bit more insular.

My film ReFraming¬†was shown in Cyprus yesterday, to a very small audience in a new festival. I was sick about it for a week. I nearly fainted yesterday. I was so stressed. It went fine. It was like breaking the seal. A bit. That film would stress me out shown anywhere. It is so personal and slow. I get worried I am putting the audience through hell. This was not the response I got of course but it still doesn’t stop me from thinking it.

I called him. He called me back. He is fine. The concert went well. I feel better. Maybe I am response dependent.

I am putting the kettle on. Tea never solved the world’s problems but may have helped to manage them.

We are having tea. I feel better. I am glad I am here.