PTSD drama adrenaline- fight or flight- choose fight now- flight was the balm- not appropriate- will be left with nothing- hold ground- negative triggers- mind thinking patterns- drop them- JUST STOP- exercise in self-control and soothing- don’t indulge the negative fantasy- drop it
I have realised recently that I was allowing myself to spiral into my own theoretical and hypothetical worst case scenario. I would spend hours in my head, either having a hypothetical fight with my boyfriend or expressing my over-expressed opinion about something that in fact does not touch me, unless I let it. So the first part of the realisation was that I am making up my own negativity. It does not exist.
The second part was to realise why I do this. I am used to having real issues and fights with those close to me and around me. I was programmed to watch my back, be isolated, not trust whoever came close because they wanted something from me that I did not want to give. I was always calculating their next move, always ready for a fight. Lingering PTSD. Lingering original programming.
The third part of the realisation was that I can reboot this programming and change it. I can stop the thoughts. I can drop the negative memories and triggers. I have been using my brain power to just let go of these images rather than engage and get pulled down. I don’t do this in life. I thought that was enough. My habit found a way of coming out though, or in. When you can’t explode, implode! There has to be another way. This is me trying to find it.