Responsibility

Responsible

I always felt

Strangely

I realise now

That¬†others’¬†actions

were my responsibility

or my fault

depending on my level of worth

at the time

So silly

Something indoctrinated in me

by my dear parents

The abusers who needed

an excuse

and secure the shame

in my name

Shits

Everyone is responsible

for their actions

So if you abuse me

it’s on you

If you lie to me

I’m not the fool

I have to trust you

to have a relationship

I have to stop trying

to catch you out

Some people aren’t shit

I need to accept that

I get a sick feeling in my stomach

Like the world is going to

crash inside me

If a message is late

If a date is postponed

If a need is not met

I am back in my parents bedroom

Alone

Ill

Screaming ‘Mummy’ at the top of the stairs

at the top of my lungs

The toddler guard is up

Or I am too ill to move

She never comes

Is she in the house?

Is she out?

I don’t know which is worse

Maybe

me projecting this need

onto people who don’t owe me such care

Because I’m an adult

and because they are not my mother

If I put them in that box

they will never be good enough

And I will remain alone

Something is better than nothing

most of the time

See them for who they are

Everyone is different

Just because the first person

you were sexual with

was also your father

i.e. sex and care (as well as sadism) went together

does not mean

it’s expected in every relationship

It’s just your

faulty programming

Your partner does not have caring responsibilities

towards you

Avoid that dynamic like the plague

Anything reminding you of him

Question it

Avoid it

Feel safe at all times