How do I know
if I had an epiphany
or if I am having a post-traumatic stress episode?
I trust nobody and nothing
I doubt my decisions
I feel out of control
desperately wanting to get it back
I want to destroy
in order to cleanse
I detest who I thought I loved
It seems more real now
I must have always hated
pretending I loved
A spiral
Immobility where I should move
I don’t want to get better
I just want it to go away
I find no purpose or point
I made a mistake
I chose with my head and my body
My heart is always wrong
I don’t listen to it anymore
Maybe it stopped working
Maybe it is broken
The wish for solace
The wish that one day
my feet might stay
firmly on the ground
Keeps me in this
There is no such thing
The relief is temporary
And I can do nothing
about it