How do I know?

How do I know

if I had an epiphany

or if I am having a post-traumatic stress episode?

I trust nobody and nothing

I doubt my decisions

I feel out of control

desperately wanting to get it back

I want to destroy

in order to cleanse

I detest who I thought I loved

It seems more real now

I must have always hated

pretending I loved

A spiral

Immobility where I should move

I don’t want to get better

I just want it to go away

I find no purpose or point

I made a mistake

I chose with my head and my body

My heart is always wrong

I don’t listen to it anymore

Maybe it stopped working

Maybe it is broken

The wish for solace

The wish that one day

my feet might stay

 firmly on the ground

Keeps me in this

There is no such thing

The relief is temporary

And I can do nothing

about it