The brace is off

Any security in a belief and value system

is gone

My faith is dwindling

I am seeping into

an existential crisis

Which I have been told is

the most normal thing I have gone through

My head can no longer contain

the pressure inside it

My chest is imploding

There is not enough air

I can’t believe

I will ever be a mother

The template for

pregnancy and death

has been made

I feel separate to

everyone who manages it

Like I am a different species

I feel like

I know the secrets of the world

Everything nobody wants to talk about:

Fathers molesting

Mothers abandoning

Schoolmates raping

Family scapegoating

Babies dying

Losing home/culture/identity


am so sick of this biography

and I think I finally know

what I need to do

I have to


even if I don’t want to


it is not a choice

it never has been

it never will be