Anger swirling around

At first it was general

linking past and present

Old anguish and injustice

mixed with the loss of today

Our son dying because

my body let me down

Not for the first time

Albeit differently

Something went wrong

It is being investigated

It could save his brothers and sisters

But what about him?

Why does he need to be the sacrificial lamb?

Why do we need to start with martyrdom?

Was he the victim become hero?

How can I forgive myself?

I run all the excuses through my head:

We weren’t told this could happen

We weren’t given information about all the possibilities-

probably because there are so many

we would have spent our entire time being stressed

We did all the standard tests

We missed one month’s optional check-up

We have hated ourselves for it

We were told it was an irrelevant detail

Babies can die the day after a check

Sometimes no cause or reason is found

In our case they found something


And I can’t bear to think about


he eventually died

I just hope he didn’t suffer

I hope he didn’t feel scared or let down

I am angry I couldn’t save my baby

I hope he knows that