Anger swirling around
At first it was general
linking past and present
Old anguish and injustice
mixed with the loss of today
Our son dying because
my body let me down
Not for the first time
Albeit differently
Something went wrong
It is being investigated
It could save his brothers and sisters
But what about him?
Why does he need to be the sacrificial lamb?
Why do we need to start with martyrdom?
Was he the victim become hero?
How can I forgive myself?
I run all the excuses through my head:
We weren’t told this could happen
We weren’t given information about all the possibilities-
probably because there are so many
we would have spent our entire time being stressed
We did all the standard tests
We missed one month’s optional check-up
We have hated ourselves for it
We were told it was an irrelevant detail
Babies can die the day after a check
Sometimes no cause or reason is found
In our case they found something
wrong
And I can’t bear to think about
how
he eventually died
I just hope he didn’t suffer
I hope he didn’t feel scared or let down
I am angry I couldn’t save my baby
I hope he knows that