Korinna McRobert

Responsibility

Responsible

I always felt

Strangely

I realise now

That others’ actions

were my responsibility

or my fault

depending on my level of worth

at the time

So silly

Something indoctrinated in me

by my dear parents

The abusers who needed

an excuse

and secure the shame

in my name

Shits

Everyone is responsible

for their actions

So if you abuse me

it’s on you

If you lie to me

I’m not the fool

I have to trust you

to have a relationship

I have to stop trying

to catch you out

Some people aren’t shit

I need to accept that

I get a sick feeling in my stomach

Like the world is going to

crash inside me

If a message is late

If a date is postponed

If a need is not met

I am back in my parents bedroom

Alone

Ill

Screaming ‘Mummy’ at the top of the stairs

at the top of my lungs

The toddler guard is up

Or I am too ill to move

She never comes

Is she in the house?

Is she out?

I don’t know which is worse

Maybe

me projecting this need

onto people who don’t owe me such care

Because I’m an adult

and because they are not my mother

If I put them in that box

they will never be good enough

And I will remain alone

Something is better than nothing

most of the time

See them for who they are

Everyone is different

Just because the first person

you were sexual with

was also your father

i.e. sex and care (as well as sadism) went together

does not mean

it’s expected in every relationship

It’s just your

faulty programming

Your partner does not have caring responsibilities

towards you

Avoid that dynamic like the plague

Anything reminding you of him

Question it

Avoid it

Feel safe at all times

Feeling weird

The walls are farting, literally. There is a plumbing problem in the building. There seems to be air going through the pipes. Both me and my partner feel a bit out of sorts. I felt pregnant these past few days. We both had a bit of nausea. I had light-headedness and food cravings. I am not pregnant but still feeling like something is happening in me, while simultaneously something is being released.

I have come to conclude that this may have something to do with my previous post. Reflecting on it, I feel better. I feel lighter. I also feel like nothing has been shaken or destroyed, as I had expected it to. A very disempowering thought, established in childhood, where if I told on the hand that fed me I would starve. I feed me now. It finally got embedded in my emotional psyche. I feel free but never thought it would take this much getting used to. I am in a kind of disbelief. I can’t believe the world didn’t end.

I in no way wanted it to seem like an accusation and I did not want it to be a confrontation towards the abusers. I just wanted to set myself free. It is open information, a true story, which needed to be shared and shed. I need to move on with my life and find what that is.

So far, it is in sunny Berlin, in a lovely light flat, with a special person. Anything could happen now.

Out with it

Out with it

I feel like I need to get it out

I feel like I need to rid myself of what has been propelling me and holding me back

I have reached a place of safety

All my life was dedicated to getting me out of my domestic hell

The hell that followed me around

Still does

I am split between celebrating my freedom and the sheer exhaustion of my long run

My entire life was informed by the fact that

For the first ten years of my life

My father sexually abused me

My mother passively watched on

I was so socially retarded

I got bullied or ignored in school

I attracted weirdoes all throughout my adolescence

I got raped in my last year of it

I had such a fire to get out

Now

After

Six years of psychotherapy

Three years of practising art

One year of a healthy partnership

I feel so happy and so empty

I have no motivation

My heart is an empty warehouse space

I have thrown all the broken furniture out

I have cleaned the mould

Nothing is killing me anymore

And I am resourceless

I don’t have the means to go shopping to fill my space

It will be minimal for a long time

I miss Cyprus

I wish my parents didn’t exist

I wish I didn’t have to deal with all their destructive weaknesses all my life

I wish I didn’t feel obliged to protect their careers and relationships

But

I want to talk about this

I want to expose incest

I want the taboo to stop existing

I want survivors to feel empowered

There is a space for expression

They were wrong

They should be held accountable and responsible

Individuals and nations do horrible things

They make it even more horrible if they never own up to it or resolve it

I am not going to rot with them

I don’t want a dialogue

I don’t want an apology

I want nothing from them

It feels like spring

It smells fresh

I feel young

I miss Cyprus

I wouldn’t go as far as saying home because that doesn’t exist geographically to me

Home is in me

Wherever I go

It goes with me