Korinna McRobert

Angry

It took a while to get angry

It took years to realise why

It still takes skill to direct it towards the source

It takes a conscious effort not to be destructive

I need to think of others before I decide

Not to hurt myself

I don’t see a purpose in me being alive

Other than it’s been so hard and I am still here

That there must be something I have to do

I keep doing

I achieve

I get up

I get out

I just want to go now

I want to go home now

Can I be let off now?

When will it be over?

My brain tells me

I am happy

I am surrounded by caring people

The worst is over

Everything is fine

My memory reminds me

I know what love it

I know what beauty is

I have made things happen

Nothing matters

It feels like something doesn’t register

It feels like I have dropped a ball

and it’s bouncing away from me

I am inundated with

Anger

Grief

Sadness

I truly see the

Injustice

My parents couldn’t love me

My parents abused me

Sexually

Mentally

Spiritually

It should be their problem

But it has become mine

They made me an orphan

They cut me up and took my bits ransom

They are asking me to pay

I am forwarding them the bill

The inner child

 

According to some psychologists writing with your non-writing hand can trigger early memories, or at least make you feel like a child again. In a state of frustration a few weeks ago I tried to initiate some childhood recall. It did not work out as I had thought but it did take me back to a very vulnerable emotional place where I was not preoccupied with adult worries. I spoke to my father:

 

You are my sunshine

I don’t like when you

shout at me

I don’t like when you

are naked

I don’t like when you

know what I’m

doing

eating

poohing

I don’t want to tell you everything

I want to go out

I want to feel safe inside

I want to play

without having to entertain you

step around your eggshells

or obey any stupid rules

You make me hurt

You make me confused

You make me sick

to take care of me

To confuse me more

You are making me want to wretch

Vomit you out

Get out

How does love hurt so much?

Why do I have to obey to have you?

Why these contradictions?

They don’t make sense

I thought love was there

no matter who I am

Not

no matter who you are

You are the parent

YOU

I am a person

I am not part of you

Not an extension of you

Narcissistic shite

You fooled me

You didn’t love

Anything or

Anyone

Just guilt

I see who you are

I know

You told me

your secret

Now I am big

I can flee

and see clearly

Inbetween

I had two personal blogs

It messed me up

I linked one to the other

This is the one

I am depressed

I am happier than I have ever been

I have an awake body

My brain is opening up

Exposing ugliness as well as beauty

I am making the links and connections

At first through intrusion

Now within my control

There is so much to look at

There is too much to look at

Without losing myself

I wouldn’t say my mind

I would say everything

Working

Creating

Making

For now

Is overwhelming

My chest hurts

I feel winded

I feel comfortable in this sadness

This wound just needs time

But it’s there

Whether I was in London or Berlin or Cape Town

I would still need to deal with myself

I am grateful that Berlin is my sanctuary

For now

Hopefully it can be more

In time

I am struggling

Fully

I used to struggle

Partly

I used to

Avoid-Escape-Transfer

Now I am trying to continue

Expressing

without killing myself

Focusing on stability and sanity

It may seem that things are taking longer

But in fact I have finally picked the phone up

After it was on hold for 20 years

I finally have a voice and a safe space to let it out

It’s surreal

It’s just a different reality

A feeling of safety is part of it

The need to trust and be helped

Maybe I have experienced it before

In utero